SQA KOTOR Edition: Carth Onasi
by Kawe n' Wessie
Summary: SQA Song Quote Association. A series of Carth Onasi oneshots/songfics. WARNING! Major spoilers for Knights of the Old Republic I.
1. Swallow

SQA

SQA

Swallow

Disclaimer: As much as we would like to believe we so, we do not own any of the characters, places etc., mentioned in this fic. Nor do we own the bits of the song used, _Swallow_. They belong to the amazingly talented Emilie Autumn.

"_I will swallow, if it will help my sea level go down. But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown."_

I sit in my pilot's seat in the Ebon Hawk's cockpit. I'm hoping that _she _will think twice about confronting me if I stay here, in my personal chunk of the ship. Oh Force, what have I gotten myself into? Things were going fine, but of course, nothing can ever go smooth.

I sigh. No, it's not possible. How can this woman, this woman that reminds me so much of Morgana, this woman who seems to have such a generous spirit, be Darth Revan? It's not possible. Darth Revan was a cruel and traitorous murderer, who killed millions of beings. Helena, she's... Not. She regularly goes out of her way to help people, regardless of how much it might inconvenience her. She… She saved _Dustil_. Convinced him to leave the Sith. Yet, she was their leader. She says she can't remember anything, but how can I believe her? She turned her back on the Republic. It may have been Malak that gave the order to bomb Telos, but _Revan_ was in charge. If Revan hadn't gone to the dark side, none of it would have happened. And I would still have Morgana… _My Ana_…

"_You tell me everything's alright as though it's something you've been through." _

A soft knock brings me out of my reflections. I turn in my chair to see her there, at the entrance to the cockpit. I clench my jaw. There she is; Miss-Well-I'm-The-Ex-Dark-Lady-Of-The-Sith-But-Since-I-Can't-Remember-Anything-It's-All-Just-Fine-And-Dandy. Pft, yeah right. Why is she still here? How can the rest of the crew trust her?

'Carth?'

Oh, joy. It speaks.

'I- No, Can- umm… Is it okay if…'

The cold look on my face causes her to trail off and look at her feet. It's almost pathetic. Is Little Miss Murder afraid of _me_?

She sighs softly, then, in a whisper:

'I'm so sorry.'

Her voice is sincere, and her eyes are begging me for forgiveness. But what if it's all an act?

"_Can I trust you? But I don't want to…"_

She steps into the cockpit, stopping a few steps from my chair.

'Listen. Please, just hear me out. It's all I ask. Listen, then think about it. I didn't know who I was until the Leviathan. Now that I know, I'm _appalled_. I know you don't trust me, and you have good reasons not to. But for what it's worth, I _swear_ to you, Carth Onasi, _I am not Darth Revan_. I _refuse_ to be. I am who I choose to be, and that's Helena Tithe, Jedi Sentinel. Now, you can choose whether or not to believe me when I tell you I will _never_ betray you. I _couldn't_.'

Her gaze is intense and she speaks with conviction. I shake my head.

'You say you can't betray me… But you already did. You turned on the Republic. How can I be certain that you won't turn again?'

Her blue-grey eyes soften.

'Carth –'

'No,' I cut her off, getting to my feet. 'No. Don't go there.'

'You killed Saul. Didn't you get the revenge you always wanted? Why are you still angry?'

I close my eyes and take a deep, deep breath. Blast. Her and her stupid Jedi senses. Or am I just that easy to read? Ah, Hell.

"_Will it hurt? No it won't. Then what am I so afraid of?"_

'Because,' I reply. 'Because… Dammit, it just _wasn't enough_. He's dead, but… It was my purpose to kill Saul. Now… It's just not…' I shake my head. Why _was_ I still angry?

'Dammit, woman! I don't know. There, happy? I just plain _don't know_. And why would I tell _you_ anyways?'

She bites her lip, then asks, 'Are you blaming me now?'

Her voice is soft, sad and her eyes are pleading. Force. That's it. I let my shoulders drop as I give up. Why do I always end up with the stubborn women?

'No.' I reply. 'I've tried, but I can't. I'm not sure if I can trust you, but I know I can't blame you, I- I can't hate you.'

She looks up at me, eyes solemn. She reaches her hand up to place it on my shoulder.

'Trust me, Carth. I promise I won't let you drown.'

"_I will swallow, _

_I will…"_


	2. Like You

SQA

Like You

Disclaimer: We don't own KOTOR or Carth Onasi, as much as we would like to believe so.

...

"_Stay low, soft, dark, and dreamless. Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness."_

The noise is deafening. Sirens wail and people scream for their loved ones as their world explodes around them. Orbiting ships relentlessly bombard the small country town with waves of laser fire. Buildings are set aflame and torn apart by the blasts. The sky is filled with black ash and flying debris, streaked through with angry red laser fire.

Chaos reigns supreme.

But hope is not yet completely lost. More ships arrive and commence attacking those in orbit. The bombardment lessens as the aggressors must defend themselves.

"_I hate me, for breathing without you. I don't want to feel anymore for you."_

A small gunship begins a perilous decent towards the besieged town, landing near the edge of the destruction. The moment the craft touches down, a man rushes out. He ignores his comrades' urgent warnings to wait for the bombardment to cease and races for the center of the town.

As the man runs through the ruined streets, it becomes apparent that he is very familiar with them. Nearing his goal, he turns into what was once a busy road in the market district. It is barely recognizable, but he cannot waste time lamenting the loss of property and material things. He has much more important things to lose.

The man is panting now, gagging on the putrid smell of ash and the burning dead. Sweat beads upon his face and runs down the back of his neck, but he must push himself farther, faster. It isn't far now…

"_Grieving for you, I'm not grieving for you. Nothing real love can't undo…"_

Skidding to a halt in front of his destination, panic and horror shatters the numbness that has consumed the man. Trying to shift the rubble – all that is left of a once quaint little house – tears begin to well up in his eyes. He is knee-deep in the building's remains before he finds any sign of life.

A soft moan can be heard from under what might've been part of a wooden staircase. Heart pounding, the man makes a beeline for the noise, stepping around a misshapen bed frame.

"Morgana!" he calls frantically, his voice hoarse with emotion.

He is answered by another moan.

"_And though I may have lost my way, all paths lead straight to you."_

Spurred on by his discovery, the man uses all his strength to move large pieces of wood off the barely conscious form of a woman. He is fairly successful, until he notices the crimson stains covering some of the wooden planks. Examining the woman more closely, he sees that his worst fears have been realized: she has been mortally wounded. His vision of the woman, impaled by a wooden stake, blurs as tears fill his eyes. He reaches forward to brush limp tendrils of hair from her forehead.

Her eyes flutter open, and her mouth moves as if to speak.

"No Ana," the man interrupts. His voice holds a note of desperation. "Save your strength. The medics will be here soon."

Her head shakes slightly – a movement that lets him know she does not believe she will last long enough. He knows she won't.

Collapsing to his knees in defeat, the man carefully pulls her into his arms. As she gasps softly in pain, he curses under his breath.

The woman turns her head slightly, her gaze searching for his.

It won't be long now. They both know their time together is at an end.

A single tear slides down the dying woman's cheek. The man leans down, wiping it away with his lips. He then proceeds to kiss her forehead, her lips, and each eyelid.

The woman's breath comes in short gasps now. Their eyes meet for the last time.

The man knows the exact moment she will die. It is the moment her labored breathing is silenced, her form becomes limp, and the light in her eyes – a stubborn, mischievous light – is replaced by dark emptiness. He has seen it multiple times already, and each time he cries out in pain from the memory.

"_I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground like you."_

Carth Onasi bolted upright in his bed, covered in a cold sweat. He sighed. He would be getting no more sleep that night. Not with that nightmare and the memory so fresh in his mind.

Getting out of bed, Carth reached over to grab a jacket, but hesitated. He had received the jacket as a gift for his last birthday… A gift from _her_. The only thing he had left to remember her by.

He brushed the jacket's orange fabric, remembering the fuss she's made when he had complained that the colour didn't suit him. He grabbed the damn thing and moved towards the door. Leaving the room, he shrugged into the garment and made his way outside. In the week since the bombing, shelters had been erected in what used to be vast, golden fields. These shelters had been used as a makeshift med-center and base of operations for the military to use as they continued to search for survivors.

Jogging through the base, Carth made his way to its outskirts. A simple but fairly large wooden cross had been set up as a memorial to all those who had been lost. He walked right past it. He was headed for a group of smaller crosses, placed there by survivors to mark the loss of their loved ones. Carth moved towards a small but ornately carved cross near the back of the group. He fell to his knees before it.

"_Halo, blinding wall between us. Melt away and leave us alone again."_

In carefully engraved letters, the name 'Morgana Onasi' could barely be made out in the dim light of a nearby lantern. The stars were only just visible through the remaining clouds of ash.

Carth ran a hand over the cross. He would be leaving in the morning. He was needed, since he was now Captain of a hammerhead-class cruiser. The rest of the refugees would be evacuated over the next few days. Telos would be uninhabitable for years to come.

But it was his home. He didn't want to leave.

"_The humming, haunted somewhere out there. I believe our love can see us through in death."_

He didn't want to leave Morgana. He didn't want to go on without her. He'd loved her with every fiber of his being. Carth had just barely been able to manage leaving her for his tours of duty, and by the end, he'd always been near-crazy from missing her.

But he'd know his duty, and as much as he might dislike it, he knew he had to go. To spare other families from being torn apart by those bastards. It truly was a fate he would wish on no one. His wife was one of millions of Telosians who'd died, and his son was one of thousands who were still unaccounted for.

And the worst part – all this could be traced back to one man. Saul Karath.

He'd been a mentor, and a close friend. Hell, he'd practically been family. _And_ he'd been Telosian. He'd had his own homeworld bombed, and he'd _helped_.

Ana had never liked him. Carth should have listened to her.

Saul Karath was the reason his Ana was dead.

"_I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground like you. There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you, I'm coming for you."_

He clenched his fists. Saul would pay for it if it was the last thing Carth Onasi did. It probably would be.

Unless…

Unless he found a reason to live. Unless he found Dustil. Not all hope was lost – it _had_ only been a week, after all. If he found Dustil, he would make it up to his boy.

Wincing, Carth recalled the last time he'd spoken with his son. It hurt to think about it. The two had gotten into a fight about his leaving. Dustil had complained that his father was never home, never there for him, and he was sick of it. Carth had countered that it was necessary, that he was doing it to keep his wife and son safe.

Dustil had retorted, "What does it matter when you don't even know your son!" and stormed out of the house.

It was the last time he had seen his boy.

Guilt had eaten at Carth over the past week. If he'd known…

Carth sighed. No use thinking about ifs. Ifs couldn't avenge his family.

Only him killing Saul could do that.

"_You're not alone. No matter what they told you, you're not alone. I'll be right beside you forevermore."_

He strongly doubted he'd be able to survive killing Saul. And even if he did, what did he have to live for, if he didn't find Dustil?

It was much simpler to assume he would be killed alongside Saul. Then he could join Morgana. They could be together again.

He could be happy again.

Yes. Once Saul was dead, Carth could join Morgana in peace. And they could live on together.

Forever.

"_I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground like you. There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you. And as we lay in silent bliss, I know you remember me. I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground like you. There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,_

_  
I'm coming for you."_

_**Fin.**_


	3. Remember When It Rained

SQA

Remember When It Rained

Disclaimer: Song belongs to Josh Groban, everything else to LucasArts and Bioware.

…

"_Wash away the thoughts inside that keep my mind away from you. No more love and no more pride, and thoughts are all I have to do."_

Carth Onasi hadn't heard a word the Admiral had said. Her holo-image was standing right in front of him, speaking directly to him, but he had completely tuned her out. It wasn't that what she was saying wasn't important – it probably _was_ – but rather the fact that he was preoccupied with staring out the window.

The moment a base had been established on Telos' surface in one of the new restoration areas, he'd begun twisting arms to get an office there. He was currently seated in said office, being briefed on… something. Crap, he probably _should_ be listening.

But, Force, it was hard to concentrate on _anything_ when worry and heartache were eating him from within. He still couldn't believe she'd gone. In moments like this, he swore he could almost _feel_ her out there, and wondered if she was thinking of him too, perhaps even reaching for him in the Force. The memories of their time together were so strong, so clear.

"_Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained? Felt the ground and looked up high, and called your name. Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained, in the darkness I remain."_

The staccato panging of the rain against the window had drawn his attention, but the memory of another time had held it there.

They had been on Dantooine. Just after the events of the Star Forge, she'd said she needed to go back. That she needed to see for herself and to honor the fallen Jedi. They had been just outside of where the enclave had once proudly stood when the rain had begun to fall.

He could picture the moment in crystalline clarity. From the sharpened scents, to the coolness of the water, to the way it plastered darkened tendrils of her hair to her neck. Her face came into focus, and he felt an ache deep within. He longed to reach out and touch it, to find out that she was indeed there, and that this wasn't just a memory…

"_Tears of hope run down my skin; tears for you that will not dry. They magnify the one within, and let the outside slowly die." _

Three years, forty-three days and approximately 18 hours.

It had been three years, forty-three days and approximately 18 hours since he'd last seen her, last spoke to her… Last held her in his arms.

"Is that understood, General?"

"Yes ma'am," came the reflexive response. As he came out of his reverie, Carth had no clue what he'd just agreed to.

"Good. Dodonna out."

Running a hand through his hair, Carth turned to look at his aid. At some point, the young man had come to stand in the office's doorway.

"You didn't happen to hear what it was the Admiral wanted, did you?"

The aid nodded, holding up a datapad. "You looked a little distant, so I took the liberty of taking notes."

Carth sighed. "Thanks, kid. I owe you, again."

"You were thinking of her, weren't you?"

"Yeah."

The aid stepped forward, placing the datapad on his boss' desk. "Did she love you?"

Carth raised an eyebrow. "She said so…"

The aid shook his head. "No, General. Did she _love_ you? When she looked at you, could you see it in her eyes, her actions? Could you feel it?"

Carth paused. Yes. Being around her, it had made him come alive. If it hadn't been for her constant support, her… her _love_, he didn't want to imagine what he would have become. She'd saved him by loving him.

The younger man could see the answer in his General's face. "Then she'll come back."

His gaze floating back to the window, Carth decided he could live with that until she did.

"_Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained. I felt the ground and looked up high, and called your name. Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained. In the water I remain, running down…"_


End file.
